For Now

As I attempt to navigate my story thus far in Toronto, it’s been filled with a lot of ups and downs. Like, Regina was hard. Don’t get me wrong. It was a pain in my ass. And it’s been as difficult in Toronto but it’s just a different kind of difficult. It’s like all my weaknesses, temptations and the WEIRDEST things all happening at once.  Stuff like splitting up fights between drunk people, dealing with cops, bedbugs, broken friendships, choosing God over comfort or popular opinion, having no place to call home, work tensions, church tensions, sickness, submitting to bullies, loving fri-enemies, put-downs, accusations, turning the other cheek, learning to be angry and not sin at the same time.

Some  challenges would happen two or three at a time and others I’d have a day or two to catch my breath before another wave of bullshit came at me. It felt like God wanted to see if I could wake up, go to my job as a receptionist, answer the phone and say– with feeling, confidence and belief– “It’s a great day at Keller Williams! How can I help you?”  Some days I did mean it. Other days, I pretended. And other days, I didn’t pretend or try at all. I just got by.

I know for a fact that I’m stronger than I was before and my threshold for life’s bullshit is thicker.  But I’d be lying if I told you my self esteem didn’t take a hit. It did. A massive one. A number of circumstances made me feel worthless, rejected and unloveable. The funny thing about that is I was the one who chose not to participate. I was the one who said no and walked away. It’s the events that followed that made me feel worthless and unwanted. But why would I ever let someone’s behaviour affect me that much? That’s silly.

When I look at the facts, when I remember all the things that happened— I remembered why I walked away. I remembered who and what I was choosing instead. And even though the choice was unpopular, even though I was all alone, I know I did the right thing. It may be lonely but my heart isn’t all torn up inside. I lost a lot in the process but the peace of mind was worth it.

Anyway, I don’t remember where I was going with this. It’s almost 3 in the morning. I wanted to tell you a story about my sister but then I went down the rabbit hole and it turned into something very different. But I like it so it’s staying. I’ll have to tell you about my sister another day. I love her.

For now, I’m going to sleep.

Good night.