Detoxification

Susan can’t decide if “Dense Love” was the bravest thing she ever wrote or the most shameful. The most loving or the most hateful. She also doesn’t really know how Thing would take something like that. He could either be honoured or insulted, apathetic or slightly terrified of the maniac that is Susan. Especially since they just made peace over email before she wrote it all down.  After they made peace, she was feeling warm and fuzzy inside. So she started to write it down and she remembered all those things and then it turned into this Angry Tornado of Words.

And then she remembered how she embellished the story a little– which, to be fair, is what writers are taught to do– but like, he didn’t actually ask her for a hand job. He insinuated it. And she doesn’t know if he was actually high when she knocked on his door like a lunatic. She assumed because there was ash on the floor outside his door but she doesn’t know. That could’ve been there from the weekend. It might not even be his ashes.

But still.

It’s not very loving (in the Christian sense of the word).

She feels a bit like the World’s Worst Evangelist because she doesn’t know how to love well and she certainly doesn’t know how to forgive well. And she knows her own sin. She’s not perfect. She’s done lots of unfaithful things… and even though she asked Jesus for forgiveness for all the mistakes she made and the people she hurt or pushed away, she knows that forgiveness is painful and hard and not something to take for granted.

She’s been particularly unpleasant with her friends, Miriam and Woody, who have been so kind and patient with her. Miriam was there during all this crap and Susan was so very difficult to love some days. She was petty, selfish and argumentative. Miriam and Woody matched her with grace every single time. Susan was so blessed by their hospitality and perseverance to show compassion. Miriam, thank you for being so gentle with Susan. She doesn’t know how to pay you back but she hopes that one day, she’ll be able to return the favour or at least pay it forward. She feels like she says this to a lot of people these days. A lot of people have shown her love and grace when she didn’t deserve it. Thank you so much for doing that.

Susan can’t make much sense of anything right now but she knows Jesus loves her and she’s never needed him more than she does right now. She wishes this confession could translate into “sorry” or unselfish acts of kindness or sincere, genuine love but it seems like it makes more of her sin bubble up and out of her heart. Is this what a heart detox looks like?

It’s not very pretty, thought Susan.