Journaling the Journey

Susan is so thankful to be here in Toronto, a place she never thought would feel like home but now it does. To meet the people she has and now calls them friends. To have stumbled across a church with a community of people who are earnest believers (which is so very, very hard to find).

She’s thankful she’s found a place to stay in Leslieville for the summer. The place she wanted to live the moment she heard about it from a friend. She’s thankful she went to do nails that one day or else she never would’ve met the woman who is hosting her now.

She’s thankful to find a job that she hated at one point but then she got to know people and now she genuinely likes her job and the people. She found out how funny realtors are, how they are just like Phil from ‘Modern Family.’ How they prank you on Friday nights, not realizing the front desk has caller display.  Or debate with you about investments. Or apologize when they are rude. Or stare at a wall after they closed a deal and had a couple drinks to celebrate. There’s one who reminds her of Lumiere from “Beauty and the Beast” but maybe a bit more Indiana Jones-ish. He likes to bug the his business partner (who’s a bit like the Clock from “Beauty and the Beast”) and knock on his door until he opens up and follow him outside when the Clock told him not to. But Lumiere does it anyway and smiles like Indiana Jones as he walks out the door.

As excited as she is to see friends back home in Saskatchewan and finish her degree (that’s she’s dropped out of twice), Susan’s worried she will lose everything’s she’s worked for if she goes home. She’s worried she’ll have to start from scratch again and all the work she did to build these relationships will be for nothing. She doesn’t want to go back to school for this reason. It’s been hard and she’s finally in a place where she could start doing more of what she came to do. She could work and write and create on her own. That’s all she ever wanted to do. She’d have a full, quiet life. She could live on her own, save up her money, write, create, teach, produce on the side and have a base to call home. After everything that’s happened, she’s finally come close to stability but going back to school disrupts that.  She’s worried God won’t make a way to come back to Toronto again. She’s worried He’s going to close the door the way He did to Los Angeles a couple years ago. She’ll be devastated and she’ll have to pick herself up again and start at the bottom.  She’s worried she will lose everything again for the 3rd or 4th time. She’s not sure she can do that again.

And then she’s worried she’ll fall in love again and be distracted by a man who is never right for her. It doesn’t matter if he’s from Toronto or Regina, she doesn’t want to fall in love because she needs to stay focused. She’s finally okay with being single and she has work to do. Goals that need to be attained and she can’t be distracted. She’s been able to do so many neat things and meet so many neat people. If she weren’t single, she wouldn’t be in Toronto. She wouldn’t be able to do all the stuff she’s doing now. Boys complicate this. They make her want to hold babies and let them puke on her and wipe them up and kiss their cheeks and push strollers past the busy Starbucks on Queen Street. She wants all these things but she’s finally in a good place and she’s busy and has goals that need to be completed. No falling in love.

Anyway, Susan doesn’t know where she was going with this.

Boys complicate things. That’s where she was going. And she doesn’t know what’s going to happen next and that scares her a bit.

She was trying to say that, too.

But above all– or rather– in spite of all this, she is thankful. Thankful to be doing what she’s doing where she’s doing it, even if it is hard.

Susan is so very, very grateful.