Nostalgic Rest(lessness)

February 20, 2019

Times I’ve checked email in an hour: 10. Times I’ve checked FB in the past 24 hours: 32. On a scale of 1-10 how badly do I need a shower: 8. Hours of sleep: 4.

Feeling a little nostalgic and wouldn’t mind telling a story.

A couple years ago, I really thought I found the man I was going to marry. We were acquainted at church and became friends through the community group I went to. I enjoyed his company, his sense of humour and even though we were very different, I loved debating with him about theology and apologetics. He was persuasive and if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have changed my mind about predestination.

I’ll admit I was very hot and cold towards him. This was partially because I didn’t know if we’d work or not and I didn’t know if I trusted him. Plus, our timing was always off. He’d be seeing someone then I’d be seeing someone and the day he made a move to get to know me better, I didn’t feel right about it. He had used someone else to do it and when I saw how hurt she was, I didn’t want to pursue anything.  I told God the timing wasn’t right and stepped back. We remained friends and continued to get to know each other.

I thought, for sure, God was going to work him out. The amount of prayer I put into this man was ridiculous. For him, his character, his heart, his growth, his family, his future, his struggles and insecurities. It sounds so silly now but I was positive that he was going to be my husband. The things he’d say, how different we were, the way he looked at me, the way he kept showing up whereever I was. I was absolutely positive this man was the one God was pointing at. Our timing was just off. In the end it wasn’t me that he chose and for the longest time, I thought it was a huge mistake. We were supposed to be together. Couldn’t God see that? Why didn’t He do anything?

My perspective changed while I was staying in Liberty Village.

My time in Toronto was incredibly difficult but it was also immensely healing. It was literally one thing after the other. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. From bullying to temptations to tests of obedience to God’s word. Do I actually love my enemies? How? How do I love them? Do I love God more than I love boyfriends? More than my desire to get married? Do I love Him more than my friends? Do I love Him more than trying to people-please? Do I love Him more than my comfort? Do I believe He will protect me the way He says He will? Do I actually trust Him? When someone hurts me, will I actually turn the other cheek and let them insult me? Do I trust God will restore me? It was one test after the other. I have experienced God’s testing before but never at this level. It was excruciating and there came a point where my prayers were exhausted. I just didn’t know what else to say anymore.

My friend, Miriam let me stay at her condo while she and her fiance went on a trip. Everything I needed (ie. Starbucks) was within walking distance. I couldn’t believe I was staying in a beautiful condo like this. I couldn’t believe I was in Toronto. How God made a way. For the first time ever, I was able to see the blessing of being single. If I married the man I thought I was going to, I wouldn’t be in Toronto. I wouldn’t have met the people I did at the hostel (which was one of my happiest times). I wouldn’t have made out with Thing, the German guy, in a bathroom or on the second floor of Rhino (which was a bad choice but makes for a great story). I wouldn’t have stayed with Miriam or the crazy blind lady in Leslieville. I wouldn’t have found Liberty Grace. I wouldn’t have been able to see the theatre shows I did or explore. I wouldn’t be able to go on an adventure like this. Claws By Susan P wouldn’t exist. These experiences were invaluable to me and it wouldn’t be the same if I were married.

For the first time in my life, I was overwhelmed with the sweetest and sincerest gratitude towards God for my singleness. I could see why things didn’t work out between this Christian guy and me. Even if we did like one another, we weren’t right for each other and God did the right thing to separate us. To lead him to the other woman who loved him better than I ever could. I don’t like admitting that but it’s true. She suits him better. They are good for each other.

For the first time ever, I said thank you to Jesus for letting me be single. And I really, really meant it.

My goal is to get back to that moment. To remember how lucky I am to be single. How full my life actually is. I mean, I can think of at least ten people who love me unconditionally. Who care deeply for me. No fakeness. Ten real people who really genuinely love me.  I have family who care for me. I have a job I enjoy. I write. I can sleep in. I can snuggle with friends’ babies. I have cats to cuddle.  They don’t ask for nudes. My life is simple. Not without heartache and trouble. Just simple.

Maybe one day I will get married. I’d really like that. I’d like to find the Coach Taylor to my Tammy Taylor. The Mark Darcy to my Bridget Jones. The Colonel Brandon to my Marianne Dashwood. Better yet, the Matt Albie to my Harriet Hayes. Yes, maybe one day I will find him.

But even if I don’t, I know I’m going to be okay. Being single isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Discontentment is.