i have to go pee and other emergencies

I’m waiting for a file to upload so I can start editing my podcast (it’s a big file) so I’ll make a list while I wait. It’ll be a list of randomness:

  • Have you ever put your playlist on random and every song was just what you needed to hear? Today I heard “Can’t Go Back” by The Weepies, then NEEDTOBREATHE, and Patty Griffin’s earlier albums, Living with Ghosts. I had this wave of nostalgia from 2009. Memories of friends during Fish Bowl Fridays, having a crush on a waiter who had these big veins in his forearms– for some reason it was extremely attractive my my friends and I, long conversations about Twilight and Wicked,  loving interventions over sushi, dancing at The Owl, sleeping on Sara’s couch after too much rum.
  • I think there’s a bat in my apartment. There was something flying around when I had to use the bathroom for a midnight pee. When I went to check after, crouched over to protect my brilliantly blue mermaid head of hair, I couldn’t find it. There were a number of thoughts running through my head: 1)OH SHIT. 2)HOW DO I CATCH A BAT?! 3) Could this be a hallucination? Google symptoms of hallucinations to be sure. If you are hallucinating, this will solve the problem of catching an imaginary bat. Hip hip hooray for mental illness! 4) Just kidding. That is NOT funny. Nobody laugh at that. 5) If there is a bat, this is going to make for the BEST Instagram story. 6) Google ‘bat in apartment’ read list of dangers. Looks like rabies are a big problem. Or histo- something that happens from inhaling dusty bat guano. Very bad. 7) What if I just kept the bat? Apparently, they feast on bugs. If the bat ate the bugs, then I wouldn’t have to kill or clean them.  Hm, hm, hm. This could be a rewarding relationship. I also wouldn’t have to try and catch the bat. 8) Apparently, if you leave a window open and lay on the ground in the dark, they will eventually find the open window and leave. But why do I have to lay on the ground in the dark while it’s trying to leave? Damn. Damn. Damn.
  • I think Tuesday, the dude I had a huge crush on in uni (aptly named because he was only my boyfriend on Tuesdays when we had class [we met at a special needs class. Isn’t this how all great love stories begin??]) is on a first date and sitting a couple tables away. According to my peripheral vision, it’s going well.
  • He’s not wearing his MLB hat. He used to wear his Boston MLB hat everywhere. I could never be mad at him when he wore his MLB hat. He did his hair. Oh my. This is very intriguing. Very intriguing indeed.
  • I have to go pee so bad but don’t want to leave my computer here. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
  • When is this stupid file going to finish loading?!
  • At least I look really good today.
  • Screw it. I’m going pee. I’m going for it.
  • I did it. I feel so much better now.
  • I got a better look on the way back to my seat and yes, it’s def him. I’m dying. Whatever. This is perfect comedy. I’m sticking around for purely documentary reasons.
  • This is what dating in Regina is like. You can’t date/crush on dudes without running into them.
  • This f**king file better f**king load soon.
  • The lady left. He’s standing up now. Checking his phone.
  • This is very difficult to narrate with my peripheral vision btw.
  • Stay cool, Susan. Eat your Power Bar.
  • Now he’s sitting down.
  • What is happening.
  • Oh she just came back. She probably had to pee too. Good girl. I know the feeling.
  • My playlist has gone from “Fernando” by ABBA, to “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?” By Whitney Houston to “Waiting in Vain” by Bob Marley.
  • Jesus, thank you for this moment because I could NEVER write comedy this good.
  • They are leaving now.
  • They have left.
  • And my file has finally finished loading.

*This post was completely unplanned but I think it’s my favourite list so far.*