OHGODOHGODIT’SABAT

  • The bat was real. It was very, very real. I’m moderately nervous to tell you how it “left” the apartment because the vegans are going to get mad but if it makes them feel better, I am still cringing and can’t think about it without shuddering… So. I found 2 dead bedbugs when I was washing the floor a couple weeks ago. Told my landlord and he gave me these sticky pads to put under my bed, some power outlets, and in front of the door (because that’s where I found one of the dead ones. Maybe they’re coming in through the hallway?) I taped three of these sticky pads on the floor in front of my door. I lost one of them because I accidentally stepped on one. Let me tell you something. Those things are really sticky. I mean. Very sticky. I almost pulled a muscle trying to pull it off my runner and then had to walk in some dirt because the residue was making me stick to the floor and the dirt made it not stick. Anyway. After hanging out with my dad on Sunday and doing my laundry, I came back to the apartment, unlocked and opened the door. I saw the furry wing caught under the door and a LOT of squeaking. I screamed and swore a blue streak. I had no clue what to do and stood there for five minutes swearing and then my neighbour came — not to help me– he was just trying to get home after a night out but he had to get past me first to get to his apartment. Usually I wouldn’t begin a conversation like this but I was seriously terrified and was just so happy to see a big person and everything just blurted out like, “OHTHANKGODYOU’REHERETHERE’SABATUNDERMYDOORANDIDON’TKNOWHWATTODO.IDON’TKNOWHOWITGOTIN.MAYBEFROMMYWINDOW.THERE’SAHOLEINTHESCREENANDIMADEAREDNECK”CAGE”WITHAWIRETHINGTHATALSOPROPSTHEWINDOWOPENBUTIHEARBATSCANGETTHROUGHA6MILLIMETREHOLESOMAYBETHAT’SHOW.OHGOD.OHGOD.IT’STHERE.IT’SRIGHTTHEREUNDERMYDOOR.SEE.SEE.PUSHTHEDOOR.YOU’LLHEARITSQUEAKINGAND…IT’SRIGHTTHEREPUSHTHEDOOR.THEWINGISRIGHTTHEREANDIDON’T…YESICALLEDTHELANDLORDHEDIDN’TANSWER.” [My neighbour’s hair reminds me of a mushroom so I’m giving him that nickname]. Mushroom didn’t know what to do and when I first told him to push the door, he looked at me like I was a murderer trying to trap and kill him but then he pushed the door and was, like, oh shit. I said, RIGHT?! Then he offered to kill it and I said NONONOPLEASEDON’TKILLIT.OHGODOHGOD.AFUCKINGBAT.ABATISSTUCKUNDERMYDOOR.THEBATISREAL. I forgot what I told Mushroom but I think I was just trying to figure out what to do and he just stood there nodding until I decided to take all my laundry back to my dad’s and sleep there. He said good night and walked to his apartment while I called my dad to sleep there. At 5:30am, I got a text from my landlord saying he got my text and the bat is now gone. I don’t know what happened to the bat or where it went and I think it’s best if I didn’t know. I went home before work that morning. The sticky pads in front of the door were gone. The only thing that was left was this tuft of bat hair that blew under the door when I opened it. I actually jumped because I was scared it was another bat.
  • Every time I open the door, I’m terrified a bat is under the door. I literally relive this moment every day multiple times a day.
  • Apparently, Tuesday wasn’t on a date last Sunday at the coffee shop while I was writing. I texted to see if I was right. He said he was “golfing away.” I was positive it was him but whatever.
  • I guess I don’t hallucinate bats. Just exes.
  • Whatever.
  • I’m catsitting again this week and apparently, the house has had bats before. Twice in twenty years. I told them it’s highly likely that it’ll happen due to my current bizarre luck. So they told me that if a bat does come in to just trap the bat in their room and leave it there till they get back. But, like, how do you trap bats? NOTE TO SELF: Google “DIY trapping bats.”
  • I used to think I was a fearless human until I met this bat. Now I have an irrational fear of bats, sticky pads and my front door.
  • As awful as it was to see the bat get caught on the sticky pad, I’m grateful it was out of my apartment sooner, rather than later. Previous to finding it under my door, my only other plan for removal was to invite one of my Tinder matches over to trap the bat. I have never invited one over but if that’s what it takes to get rid of a bat, I’d do just about anything. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
  • Anyway, I’m happy I didn’t have to do that.
  • Speaking of Tinder and dating in general, I decided to get off the apps. Not because I wasn’t having a great time. I was. I met a lot of dudes and had some great dates. But I realized it was pulling me away from God rather than pulling me towards Him… It kinda sucked having to delete it but I know it’s the right thing to do. Dating boys can be very distracting. I’m going to try to just wait and trust that God will write the right love story. Rather than me trying to write it/make out with boys. I’m not very good at waiting but I’ll keep trying.
  • I have to go to bed now. It’s very late.