I am thankful for retinol and moisturizer. I am thankful for make up and manicures. I am thankful for tea and coffee. I am thankful for game nights at a friends. It was my first time hanging out at this friend’s place and she has penises everywhere. Penis pictures, penis statues, penis-shaped games (which didn’t necessarily surprise me as much as it made me giggle). Anyway, I think she toned down her penis paraphernalia before I got there because she and another friend were talking about how there were large pieces of “furniture” that were missing from the living room. And how it’s all in her room now. And then the “furniture” turned into laundry. Nothing to see but laundry. Juuuuust laundry. It’s all clean. Cleeeean laundry [insert her nervous laughter here]. And so when it was time for me to go home, I was, like, can I go get my jacket from your room? And then my friend hesitated, said yeah and held her breath for a second. Everybody was real quiet. I emerged from her room with my winter jacket and they all exhaled. So I think they were worried I was going to find some “furniture”/clean laundry or something. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m thankful for that moment because it was kinda funny. I guess you had to be there.
I am thankful I got through Christmas.
Warning: Small tangent ahead (but I have a point, I promise).
Generally, I don’t like talking about my depression. Mostly because I don’t have much to say. There’s nothing I really have to say about it that someone hasn’t already said. It’s hard but life is hard and everybody struggles. It makes thinking clearly difficult. It affects my relationships. My moods are hard to navigate so I do a lot of damage control trying to tame them. Sometimes they are triggered by an event, sometimes by poor food choices, lack of sleep, stress, hormones, etc. It’s a juggling act. And while I believe in taking meds and eating healthy and taking good care of yourself, I also admit that the only reason I’m alive is because Jesus got me through some really bad times. I don’t think I would’ve survived. I don’t have that kind of will power. So if you asked me why I’m such a bible-thumper, this is one of the reasons why. God’s Word is the only thing that kind of holds me down. Not in an oppressive way; in an I’ve-got-you-way. When the world is swirling and I’m all confused, the bible is the one thing I can trust to anchor me. God says what He means. I don’t have to wonder if He’s lying to me. When Jesus is mad, He’s mad. He doesn’t pretend to be happy when He’s not. If Jesus is sad, He weeps. They don’t hide their emotions from me. When I make a mistake, they don’t shame me for it but they don’t let me get away with it either. They confirm that I made a mistake by showing me in His Word where I veered off track and then the Holy Spirit reminds me that I am loved and Jesus paid for this sin. The Holy Spirit is gentle in the way he shows it but honest. Since I can’t trust many of my own thoughts, I can put on the mind of Christ and trust He will help me. And so, my point is, I’m thankful for this because I finally understand what Paul means when he said, “for when I am weak then I am strong.”
(…I literally just realized the point of Paul’s weak/strong thing as I was finishing the paragraph. The point I was going to make was, “I’m thankful for the bible because it anchors me” which it does but I’m more thankful for the weak/strong realization. Then it feels like all the really hard days aren’t in vain).
I’m thankful for writing days where my writing partner, Julianna, and I run around chasing ideas. We meet at a coffeeshop and if anyone overheard our conversation (and I’m sure they do because we aren’t very subtle), they’d hear snippets of murder and scandal and kidnapping. It would be very disturbing, I’m sure. Julianna views the creative process as, wow-the-sky-is-so-big-and-wide-and-look-at-all-the-stars-how-do-we-pick-just-one? And I’m like the Story Structure Nazi, trying to keep things neat and tidy (kinda… I write all our notes on the back of an envelope). Anyway, I’m thankful for Julianna because she’s still here and I genuinely enjoy our conversations even if they hurt my brain.
I’m thankful for friends, new and old. I was worried about the Christmas holidays and what I would do while school was out. It can get really boring and lonely after awhile but my week is filling up and I’m looking forward to it.