second thought(s)

You know, I was thinking about my last post and these are my conclusions:

1. It’s silly for me to hold on to disappointment. Yes, mourning is good. Our bodies need to grieve so we can heal. And I was watching this video about grief that, when the loss occurs, it affects every part of our being. We never really get over it but our lives get bigger and there’s more space and memories built without the person or dream we lost. To go along with that, I’m learning that if I hold on for too long, I start to spiral down and it helps nobody. If it was meant to be, God would’ve made it happen but He didn’t. And I trust that even when I don’t get my own way that He knows what’s best. He sees what’s happening behind the scenes, He knows people’s hearts, He knows the future, and He knows what’s best for everyone. The guy I liked needed a different partner and it wasn’t me. The woman he did marry is good to him and for him. I don’t think we’d make a good match. I also just wasn’t ready. God knows my heart. God is smarter than me. He knows what He’s doing. And the longer I hold onto the disappointment, the longer it takes to move on and make space for new memories. I miss out on so many great things when I spiral into the “what if’s” and regrets.

2. In other pseudo-relationships with guys, they’d passively aggressively hint that I didn’t know what I wanted. And they were passively aggressively correct. I didn’t. And I wasn’t ready to move on and maybe a little scared. After writing the post, I’m bit more aware of what I want now and even though I’m nervous, I’m a bit closer to committing to it.

3. Though, I do believe Jesus can give immediate freedom and healing from our emotional pain — and I have experienced it– there are other times where we have to put in the hard work of choosing to forgive ourselves and others. It helps us move on.

4. I was watching a series on RightNow Media called “Get Out of Your Head” with Jennie Allen. She’s such a great teacher! She said that almost every negative thought we believe about ourselves falls into these categories: a) I am helpless; b) I am unlovable; c) I am worthless. We may feel like we are dealing with a hundred different negative thoughts but they all stem from these three lies that we believe about ourselves. As a Christian, I know these lies aren’t true because there are countless bible verses and promises Jesus makes to me saying how loved, valued and how He will help me.In my last post, I could see where I spiralled down and what lies I was believing. While it wasn’t fun at the time, I am grateful for all the ways that I’m growing from it.

5. Another thing Jennie Allen talked about was victimhood. How we have a habit of falling into victim mindset when disappointment sets in. While there are some people who are legit victims who experience awful things, she was referring to those of us who feel like God or the world owes us something (I’m paraphrasing and adding my own spin to it… just in case you watch the vid and wonder what the heck is going on). Jesus doesn’t owe us anything. He suffered torture and death so that I could be close to God.  While I don’t want to put down the painful things in this world, nor diminish the pain we experience, I recognize that it’s nothing like what Jesus suffered. When I suffer, I’m so selfish and pitiful but when Jesus suffered, He didn’t think about himself at all. He just thought about his disciples and how He wants them to be free and He pleads with God to forgive them. I’ve never met anyone like that before. When I think about that it puts my disappointments into perspective. Yeah, life is hard. Yeah, I didn’t get what I wanted. But in comparison to everything Jesus suffered and all the freedom I have now, it just doesn’t compare. So I’m learning to mourn when it’s appropriate but also, how to catch and release my victim thoughts or any other toxic thought. It helps me move on and find joy in the other blessings God gives me. It’s so easy to complain. It’s harder to be grateful. But being grateful is way more worth it.

Speaking of gratitude, here are the things I’m grateful for:

1. A friend and her husband are taking photos of their cat so I can do my next writing project. They are really creative and make me giggle every time I get a new message with photos of their day.

2. The smell of fresh air in the morning when you step outside your stuffy apartment.

3. I told you I’d keep you posted on my skin journey. I’m still a bit blotchy but a bit of powder helps. Not too much. Just on the spots that need some help. It gives me a boost of confidence without being cakey. I still have a long way to go in the area of seeing myself the way Jesus does but it was being to feel a bit more like I was punishing and pushing myself to be in a place that I’m just not in yet. It should be more freeing than this. My skin needs some help. So does my confidence. I’m working on both those things but a little powder helps. And I’m grateful for that!

4. A couple families from the community group at my church wanted to go for a walk to the White Butte (?) trails. I’ve never been but I went and it was really nice to get out and spend time with people. I loved the convo, the company and it was so refreshing to see some kids. Oh my gosh. I haven’t seen a child in over a month and it was really nice to be near little people who don’t care about anything.

5. Actually, I went on a couple walks with a couple people this weekend and each was lovely. I love walking and I love talking.